Pies is a skit first seen during the curtain segment of the 2006 stage show. It has since been performed at The Secret Policeman's Ball 2006 and Comic Relief 2007. It is performed as a piece of theatre written by Howard, acted by him and Vince.


Howard explains that he wants to perform a piece of theatre he has written. In response to Vince's protests, Howard offers to let Vince be in it. It then proceeds something like this:

Vince goes backstage to prepare

Howard: This is a piece I wrote myself, with a pen. It's set in Russia at the turn of the century: I know what you're thinking...don't think that 'cos this is dark, penetrating theatre. I'd like you to enjoy a piece I've written called, simply, "Pies".

Howard goes backstage to prepare as Vince emerges wrapped in a dark shawl with only his face showing, and kneels on the stage. Ominous music plays and wind whistles. There are long dramatic/comedic pauses between each line.

Vince: This is ridiculous.

Vince opens his eyes wide and tilts his head. Howard emerges wearing a Russian military topcoat and peaked cap, holding a pie. Howard and Vince adopt Russian accents: Howard's is gruff, Vince's is like an old woman.

Howard: Would you like a pie?

Vince: Nooo.

Howard: But it is a good pie.

Vince: Nevertheless, last time you gave me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples. I was confused! It was a trick pie!

Howard: Why you no like my pie?

Vince: I just told you!

Their voices become increasingly distressed and incomprehensible, they start talking over each other.

Vince: Always you bring me pie.

Howard: I bake it for you.

Vince: Why you bring me pie?

Howard: I like you.

Vince: Always fucking pastry goods with you!

Speech descends into them both screaming. After a few seconds, they suddenly stop and come out of their Russian characters. Howard removes his hat and places the pie inside it.

Howard(to audience): Thanks a lot. Thank you very much, I think you all know what I'm trying to say with that piece.


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