"Don't touch me" is a short routine that Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt have been performing since at least 2000. It is incorporated in Sweet, the TV pilot and Tundra episode, and the 2006 stage show. It also appeared during The Mighty Boosh performance during Comic Relief 2007.

In the 2006 Stage Show performance of the routine, Noel Fielding jokes about the re-use of the routine, saying "We do do that a lot".


Although the routine has appeared several times, varying each time, its basic premise is always the same. The following script is the routine as it appears during the curtain dialogue at the start of the Tundra television episode.

Vince: Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Vince Noir, and this crazy character is Howard Moon

Vince touches Howard affectionately

Howard: Don't touch me

Vince: He's such a joker.

Howard: I'm not joking. Don't ever touch me. Not now, not during the show, not ever.

They both make a hand gesture towards each other

Both (knowingly): Aaahhhhhh....

Vince touches Howard again.

Howard: Don't touch me.

The version in Sweet ends here, but most other versions continue with Howard talking about his acting skills, and Vince describing a fantastical and improbable event happening later in the show. Howard then explains that he's re-written that part, although it does eventually happen.


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